Ear Hustlin' Inside Scoop: More Layoffs Expected at the Chicago Tribune Before Christmas Tuesday, October 28, 2008

So for today (and today only, mind you), I decided to use my writing in a pseudo-serious manner. I ran into a guy this morning that has inside ties to the Chicago Tribune. Just having casual conversation, I asked him about potential openings in their editorial department. Now I knew beforehand about the eighty or so jobs they cut from editorial earlier this year, but I thought with the new design and new approaches to content, the Chicago Tribune was moving to a 'happier' place. Home slice (I told you I was only going to be pseudo-serious) informed me that not only were there no openings, but that the Chicago Tribune was on course to have another round of layoffs before the end of the year.

How Scrooge McDuck of them.

Now how true this guy's claim was needs to be put into several contexts. First, I must admit I left the crib looking a tad grimy today, so he could have quite possibly been sending me off as to not have a potential co-worker who dresses like a stick-up kid. Also, he could have been quoting speculation and hearsay (which are kinds of evidence) that is floating around the Chicago Tribune on an unfounded basis. However, his ties are with the finance department so if anyone would know first about the layoffs, it would be the dudes that count the money (on the days that Scrooge McDuck isn't swimming in it).

And there you have it, my big scoop. Good thing I don't own any Tribune stock, which is sure to plummet even more in the upcoming months if my source pans out.

Black Man's Handbook to Dating: Rule #187 Her Baby's Father Is Indeed Crazy, And Crazy Indeed Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Once again your boy is holding you down with sound dating advice based upon smoking good green and thinking about it scientific empirical evidence. The dating scene has changed for both men and women, and if you don't evolve your game then you will find yourself spending Friday nights Googling the names of your exes hoping to read bad news about them (anyone who says they've never done this, is a liar and the truth ain't in them). The landscape has transformed, and things that were a non-issue in the dating world years ago are the top issues on today's dating agenda. So today I present to you another excerpt from my Black Man's Handbook to Dating.

Black Man's Handbook to Dating: Rule #187 That Nigga's Crazy!

Once you reach that age range of twentysomething (or in our community, seventeen), the number of eligible single women is a bit skewed because a lot of those eligible women have kid(s) from a previous relationship. Now I used to be from the school of thought that a woman having children was an automatic deal breaker (this may sound excruciatingly effed-up, but I used to refer to them as 'might-as-well-be-men'), but I abandoned this line of reasoning recently because A.) it was based on my own warped sense of self-importance, and B.) Friday Night Googling was getting old real quick.

However, there is something all men should know as it pertains to dating a woman with kids. Regardless of what she says, the father of her children is a complete nut job. No really, he is. Sure she'll downplay it, all the way up to the point when this fool runs up on yall at the IHOP in his pajamas, singing his favorite Boys II Men song with a tear in his eye, while swinging his bat (true story). And in all fairness, it isn't the woman's fault that she is raising the child of a lunatic, but she could at least prepare you a little better for the inevitable encounter. Maybe if women kept it real about the mental stability of their ex, then we as men could be a little more understanding.

But instead women choose to follow the cycle.

You know what the cycle is, even if you don't know what the cycle is. The first leg of the cycle starts when you and the chick first get involved. You guys are getting to know each other. She may briefly make references to her child's father, but usually in a minor context. Time passes.

Now during discussions of past relationships, she offers a little bit more insight of what her relationship with her ex was like. During these discussions gentlemen, it is very important to listen carefully. If you do, you will always catch that one specific detail about her ex that makes you think something ain't right with this dude. This is known as foreshadowing. More time passes.

You and her are really feeling each other and believe there's enough chemistry to maintain a relationship. You accept not only her, but her kid(s) as well. As a guy, I know how hard it is to listen to a woman that's talking; however, you must listen attentively when she starts to make references to her baby's daddy. You will start to hear terms like 'restraining order', 'failure to appear', 'he tried to choke me once', 'the last time he tried to choke me, he succeeded', etc.

The last part of the cycle is the actual face-off between you and Mr. Voorhies. Now this face-off is unlike any face-off you've ever been a part of, especially since the guy will run up on you in your blind spot and just start popping off at the mouth. Usually this happens when you and his baby mama are in a public space, and chances are he followed yall there (which is totally within his personality traits, too bad you weren't listening when she told you about the 'Car Chase' incident). At this point, she has no other choice but to fess up to the fact that he's a lunatic; but by this time the cops have arrived and would have diagnosed him as such anyway.

So am I suggesting staying away from single mothers? Of course not. But there is only one tactic that I've found to consistently work with crazy baby daddies - you must out-crazy them. Yep, you have to make it known that no matter how crazy he thinks he is, you're way crazier. Even if you're not crazy, he doesn't know that. What can make a crazy person think you're crazier than they are? Crazy shit obviously. Go outside and bite a dog while making cat noises; consistently talk to your left hand, to make him think you're trying to talk it out of beating his ass; start your car, then go back in the house and watch t.v. for about an hour. To you these may sound like private moments of temporary insanity. However, what you don't know is that there is nothing private about these moments; he's watching you, and hopefully is a little disturbed by what he just saw.

What the Hell Happened to Saturday Morning Cartoons? Monday, October 20, 2008

Most of you may think I'm too old to still scour the television on a Saturday morning in search of a good cartoon; to those people I say, 'I have some rocks, perhaps you'd like to kick them.' I'm not nearly the avid fan of Saturday cartoons like I was when I was a shorty, but every now and then if I happen to wake up early from Friday night's hangover, I'll grab the remote and see what's on. To my surprise I found complete and utter garbage. And not garbage in the sense that I don't get the shit because I'm a grown up now, but garbage in the sense that what was being projected out of the television screen had the distinct aromatic fragrance of Chicago's finest city dump. To be fair, my Saturday morning viewing was confined to local stations, as opposed to cable. Not that I was conducting a scientific study or anything, but I had to let cable go because well, not only does Comcast not believe in Vaseline, but they don't even bother to give you a reach-around.

So what was I subjected to? Loads of visually impressive cartoons that were as fun to watch as a tour of Abu Ghraib. The one advantage the kids today have over cartoons back in the day, is that today's cartoons are graphically impressive. But there aren't a whole lot of action cartoons that come on nowadays. I saw some b.s. this past Saturday that looked like it was about some damned squirrels living in a tree or some shit shit like that. Enough to make G.I. JOE go straight Full Metal Jacket in his grave. Maybe I'm tripping (which is highly possible since I'm twentysomething and ranting about cartoons), but does no one else see the direct correlation between these pusillanimous cartoons and young boys growing up sexually confused?

Cartoons are supposed to have lots of colors, explosions, and a highly evil looking dude screaming out, '... I'll get you next time!' Not some damn squirrels sitting in a tree sharing nuts (you decide if 'no homo' goes here or not). By ten o'clock I was reduced to watching Hanna Montana and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody; don't judge me. They were by far more entertaining than anything else I had seen that morning. But that's like saying that one prefers sinkers to floaters (though I will probably tune in to Hanna Montana again next week; don't judge me).

Where are the Thundercats, Transformers, and He-Mans for this generation? Personally, I think this is why we have so many school shootings nowadays; because none of these little bastards are learning how to fight. And where's the best place to learn how to fight? Well I can only speak for me and the other kids I grew up with that frequented the school nurse's office with me, but we learned our best fighting maneuvers from cartoons. Because if I saw Lion-O straight wack Mumra with his sword something ugly, then you can bet fo' damn sho' that on Monday morning I would be recreating that scene with the teacher's yard stick and Jerome's forehead (this fool still has the mark after like 20 years; I feel bad now).

But alas, we're raising a generation of squirrel lovers. From now on, Saturday mornings are reserved for college football and Hanna Montana (you know what, go ahead and judge cause I'm tired of you giving me the stank eye).

Hood Indications of a Recession Thursday, October 9, 2008

Not more than a few months ago, politicians and the media alike refused to call what the economy has been going through for close to a year (if not more) a recession. If one of the presidential candidates had made the mistake of calling it a recession before the signal was given, it would have meant certain death to their campaign. If this doesn't strike you as a tad bit greasy, then I now know it's ok to lie to you with no consequences. Fast forward to the presidential debates, and now politicians are openly calling the economy close to depression era levels.

But regardless of whether or not you call an ugly girl ugly, we all know she's ugly (even if she doesn't). In the parts round where I stay (which I affectionately refer to as 'The Place Where I Will Eventually Get Shot Before Realizing My Full Potential'), we could have told you we were in a recession this time last year; but alas, no one asked us (not even the people who quote all of these polls on the evening news; how shocking). But just because no one asked, doesn't mean I won't weigh in on the issues (I do this for the kids; RIP ODB). So here I present to you the Hood Economic Indicators of a Recession. These are common everyday things you may have noticed yourself, but couldn't quite find the right set of disturbing words to describe them; I specialize in disturbing words.

1. Those bags of chips that used to be 25 cents, are now 35 cents.
I mean really though, them lil ass bags of chips (consisting of two whole chips, a few broken chips, and lots of damn air) haven't gotten any bigger, so what's up with the heavier price tags? Usually if I go into a store with kids of a friend or something, I used to splurge a dollar and get four bags and share with the shorties. Nowadays however, not so much. Now with the increased price tag, the answer to the question 'How was school today?' takes on special significance; if school wasn't that great, I'm not blowing over 1/3 of a dollar on a dummy.

2. Loose squares from the Loose Square Dude jumped from 25 cents to 50 cents.
This is the single most rip off in the history of 'not harmfully illegal street hustles', but don't blame Loose Square Dude. Now with cigarettes costing more in general, and the price of the gas needed to cross state lines to acquire the squares increased, those non-savings are passed on to you.

3. All forty ounce beverages have went up a minimum of 10 cents.
I'm old school, so I remember when a forty ounce of the cheap shit was like a buck and a quarter (yes Mom, in high school when I would come home after school and fall up the stairs on the way to my room, it's because I was hammered; and sometimes high). When the cheap shit went up to two dollars, I didn't complain; I was teaching sixth-grade, and knew I would have to drink the shit anyway. However, I can no longer call the cheap shit the cheap shit anymore as it has risen to a wallet-crunching $2.25 plus tax. Yes people, it is now more economically viable for me to search out the root causes of my frustrations and anxieties, rather than drink a forty and pretend like tomorrow will be much better.

4. A pack of cigarettes is now more expensive than a half gram of the other type of tobacco.
Ten dollars used to get me a pack of Newports (the negro brand of choice), a nickel bag (yes Mom, when I come home after work and fall up the stairs on the way to my room, it's because I'm high; and sometimes hammered), and a bottle of Bug Juice (I love them shits). In today's economic climate, I've had to learn to scale back. Now I can either get the Bug Juice (I love them shits) and a pack of Kools (the other negro brand of choice), or get the Bug Juice (I love them shits) and a nickel bag. Now what's wrong with this picture? Well if you're a real smoker, then you know nothing goes better with your nick bag than the relaxing slow death of inhaling a mentholated cigarette. I think now is the time I unveil that next shit I been working on; mentholated nickel bags! You look at me like a madman now, but in time we'll see who's the real fool (stop pointing at me!).

5. The weed man now charges sales tax to cover his increase in overhead.
Whether he's seen a spike in legal fees, or the cost of storing his stash in the bushes has went up is anyone's guess, all I know is that the weed man has invested in a cash register (to help calculate the 10% Cook County sales tax; thanks Todd) and now accepts credit/debit cards (and if you're dumb enough to give the weed man your credit/debit card, then he might be selling you crack and you're the only one who doesn't know it yet).

6. Even stealing gas will cost you a couple dollars per gallon.
You've heard the old saying, '... ass, cash, or gas; nobody rides for free!', but in America's economic downturn that statement rings as true as ever. You'd be surprised at the number of people I've seen dropped off at the curb for not having any of the aforementioned.

7. Mom dukes don't be cooking as much no more.
The hilarious details of this will only be revealed to those who invite me over for dinner.

8. Nobody in the hood talks about global warming or the environment.
Global warming is a good thing, because come this winter I won't be able to afford heat (who said God ain't good?; and someone needs to tell Him to stop opening another door after closing one because it's costing me a fortune to keep my crib at room temperature). How much are you allowed to care about carbon offsets and going green, when the sheriff is tossing your belongings in the street (and kicking them) because your landlord defaulted on his mortgage; also, is it routine to do cavity searches during evictions?

9. Beating a niggas ass has increased in cost by 50%.
But don't worry, they're still being dealt out free of charge on the South Side.

Sarah Palin: Definition of A 'C' Student Friday, October 3, 2008

I really try not to get too political because well, it's bullshit. No, for real it is. Going in to last night's vice presidential debate, all of the televised pundits (is it me, or does the word pundit sound like it should be a fighting word?) were advising that Joe Biden shouldn't come across as too smart and intellectually beatdown Sarah Palin (who is in strong running for MILF of the century). What the hell does that mean? See this is how I know politics is bullshit, because it throws everything we learned as kids out the window.

We were all taught to do our best when we were children. I can't speak for everyone, but I have no recollection of any of my teachers ever pulling me to the side and asking me to take a dive in a spelling bee because it would make little Timmy feel better about being a retard. Yet, they advised Biden not to be too hard on Palin. Lemme see if I got this straight: in order to be vice-president, then one need not show the incompetence of their opponent? Oh yea, I've seen this before - it's called bullshit!

So like a lot of you did last night, I watched the debate; and also the post-debate wrap-ups. I'm not sure what debate the pundits watched, but they made it seem like she held her own. That's not what I saw. First of all, at the beginning (like the first half-hour) she was visibly nervous, her voice was cracking, and she seemed slightly shaken when the conversation was starting to take a turn towards topics she had no knowledge of. On top of that, I was offended when she gave a 'shout out' to some damn grade school kids. I'm starting to feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone (or at least a good episode of Goosebumps). They couldn't handle Obama giving his wife some dap; how big of an issue would it have been if he got his black ass on t.v. talkin' 'bout some damn 'shout out'? But she gets a pass because she's white. No one else sees the irony of white people getting passes to say/do black shit publicly, when black people don't get those same passes?

I didn't even make it to the end of the debate, because for me it was that painful to watch. Palin came across as only moderately knowledgeable in certain areas, and scared shitless in mostly everything else. It was like watching a midget trying to win a fistfight by resorting to exclusively biting; not a good look.

But the most memorable part for me is when the moderator asked them what would happen if their running mate died while in office. For Obama, unless they Malcolm King-Evers him, it's not highly likely that he'll die during his term (though I hear they are arresting niggas in D.C.). But for McCain on the other hand, personally I think this cat died some time last year. They say death is at the door for some people; but for McCain, not only is death at his door, but death knows this dude keeps a spare key under the welcome mat, has already been inside, and is now exiting the premises with his ATM card and pin number. Anyone who thinks Palin can run the country is delusional, and is probably wearing those diapers for adults as we speak.

But alas, there was nothing left for me to do but roll a blunt slip into my pajamas, and dream about how I could've tried harder at being a 'C' student.