SNL "Mother Lover" Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg - Sequel to Dick In A Box Thursday, May 14, 2009
Things I'm Tired of Hearing About on the News Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Local news stations across the country are having a hard time figuring out why they aren't making as much money as they used to. Here's a hint: people change the channel on reruns; and the news has a tendency to repeat itself daily. Now this could be just a 'me' thing, because in my quest to stay informed I watch a lot of local and national news (some of you jigs change the channel promptly at 5:30pm central; yes, I did have to be a jerk about it).Media needs a new business model, period. We entered the age of information a long time ago and news (t.v. and print) aren't keeping up... no longer is it acceptable to bombard us with the same garbage several times a day, several days a week. The media (or as Farrakhan would put it, 'The Jews!') can no longer force us to care about things the decision makers think we should care about. They are losing their business to the internet (or as my dad would say, '... the who, what, which it?') but aren't taking note of what the internet is doing right. Sucks to be them (takes a step off my soapbox).
At any rate, I've made a short list of things that have given me nightmares because I can't escape them. I know way more about these people/things than I ever wanted to (or needed to).
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Drew Peterson
Not sure if you've been keeping up with this one, but Drew Peterson is basically going to be tried for murder based on conjecture and hearsay. Now I only found this information useful because it's messed up to have your freedom jeopardized based on hearsay, and his lawyers are challenging the constitutionality of such a thing; as well they should. The irony, however , is not lost on me; as a former cop, Drew Peterson has probably locked away many people for many years based on hearsay. Negroes have been getting locked up on hearsay since the first slave thought it wise to follow the north star; but as soon as it happens to a white dude, all of a sudden it may be unconstitutional. Regardless, they either need to 'Sadaam Hussein' this dude or let him go; I'm sick of hearing about him. Drew Peterson is the white people's O.J. Simpson; except he merc'd two of his wives and we all know Drew did it.
Swine Flu
This was a major disappointment; here I was re-upping on supplies for my underground bunker (and sharpening my wooden stakes in case the people who die from swine flu, don't always stay dead from swine flu), only to find out swine flu (or as Farrakhan would put it, 'God's punishment for being a Jew!') is really not that serious. I mean 35,000 people die annually worldwide from the regular flu (you probably thought I was going to quote that cliched line about AIDS/unprotected sex that's been floating around people's Facebook statuses; some of them even have the nerve to try and pass it off as an original introspective thought), and we're tripping about less than a thousand people dying from the swine flu. Not to mention, most of the people who have died from it have been children in countries where people still die from Polio. Here's a new rule: don't ever try to break me up with my bacon and egg sandwich for such foolishness ever again.
Rod Blagojevich
G-Rod claims to know something that we don't know that will prove his innocense. Believe it or not, I actually ride with Rod Blagojevich on this one. Do your history Illinoisans (is that what we're called?). Governors of this state always get into trouble when they do too much to help the poor/black/underserved constituents. Ex-Governor Ryan was taken out when he decided executing innocent black men was in fact, not what Jesus would do. As a person who worked for non-profits in the city, I know firsthand that Rod Blagojevich did a lot to see that funding was pumped into minority non-profit organizations, and because of that the white voters downstate (read: the Illinois Chapter of the KKK) sought to ruin him. Ok, so he tried to screw over the Tribune and the Cubs; but it's just the Tribune and the Cubs. They've been screwing over the city for years. So he tried to sell a senate seat; big deal! When the Blue Line is crowded and a fine chick gets on, I use my train seat as a valued bargaining chip. If I was Blago, I would have put the vacant senate seat on eBay, and then hired a mole to drive up the bid.
This is only new to you if the whole concept of a web browser is new to you. How dare the local news attempt to bring us news about something they were sleeping on? Then they speak on it as if it's something mystical and to be skeptical of. Not to mention, I've heard it mispronounced several times by people that have only one real job in life; to pronounce shit correctly!
Todd Stroger
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: white people have a certain knack for picking the wrong black people to speak for us (I'm looking at you Jesse 'I want to cut off another nigga's nuts, but can't stand when people use the word nigga' Jackson). Todd Stroger is an idiot, and has that voice of the black person in high school none of the other black students spoke to (or as Farrakhan would put it, 'Coming round here sounding like he been rubbing elbows too much with all them damned Jews!'). But I must admit that Stroger has made some valid points as of late. First the county does indeed need that tax hike to keep things running. I was a little sick about the tax increase at first, but I think of it like this; the state has raised taxes on numerous ocassions and Daley raises taxes every time his Viagra doesn't do the trick. But a beady-eyed black dude raises the tax by one penny for every dollar spent, and all of a sudden it's a problem. I ain't playing the race card yet, but you a damn fool if you don't think it's in my hand; I'm just saying.
How Cool President Obama Is
He's a black dude! Is America just figuring out how cool we are? And by black standards, Obama is only somewhat cool (after all, he is a politician; people ignore that for some reason). The real shock is going to be once America finds out how cool he can not be. Again, the man's a politician. I love and support Obama, but I also recognize that there are black aldermen in this city who will side swipe your grandmama on the Dan Ryan at 80 mph just to keep their aldermanic status; imagine what had to be done to become a black president. (I defend Stroger and Blagojevich, yet make snide remarks about Obama; it surprised me too!)
Miss California
It's a sad state of affairs when bimbos are the go to guys for views on social inequalities. I guess Miss California is slightly more intelligent than that one beauty pageant chick who thought giving away free globes would usher in world peace, but still. I guess it was somewhat newsworthy that topless pictures of Miss California floated around the net recently, but she's a white chick. I can see fully naked white chicks on Bang Bros; thoughtfully categorized based upon my particular fetish. So she doesn't believe gay people should be married, who cares? I'd be willing to bet a dime to a dollar that she also doesn't believe that 'i' comes before 'e', except after 'c'. The points and counterpoints of gay marriage should be left to Hannity and Colmes.
Honorable Mentions: American Idol, Bernie Madoff, going green/these non-existent green jobs they speak of
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I Got Robbed Yesterday Part 1: The Incident Tuesday, May 12, 2009
'I'll probably be murdered for the shit that I said/But I bring the real, be a legend/Breathing or dead' - Tupac Shakur, Against All OddsThe hood is fucked up... and if you didn't know that, then remain in your bubble; trust me, it'll work out better for you in the long run. Where I was and when I was there is of little importance at the moment, but the bottom line is that I was doing little more than exercising my right to live as I walked down the street yesterday (in broad daylight, mind you) when initially one guy approached me. The fight was on.
Without hesitation, me and this guy proceeded to man up in formidable adversarial combat... it was the three or so of his homies that I wasn't prepared for. Long story short, they got me for little of value and I received no injuries (unless you count a scraped elbow and a disappearing welt on my temple). In hindsight, I'm grateful for the fact that most of these dudes nowadays lack strong males figures (in addition to the requisite testicular fortitude) in their life that could have taught them how to fight. My pride was in pain and my ego was bruised, but outside of that the kid was good; not to mention I needed a good fight.
What did I learn? Nothing. You can't stop niggas from being niggas; and in today's economy, you can't stop niggas from acting more niggardly (that's an actual word). It's just so sickening out here today that no one ever considers going without until their situation gets better; instead these knuckleheads resort to taking from other people just so they can say that they have something. What happened to me, happens everyday and all day all around the city; my situation was only different in the sense that I didn't lose my life over what amounted to slightly less than a hundred dollars in value (good luck at the pawn shops tough guys; they actually have a surplus these days - the real indication of a recession).
I really hate to wax philosophical about some bullshit, but sometimes even bullshit deserves a second sniff. I remember being in a car with a group of friends riding down 79th (doesn't matter where, because 79th and anywhere is the hood) when one of them went on a rant about how niggas need to get off the corner and do better. I was in agreement somewhat, but I also understood how daunting of a task it is to 'Git Up, Git Out' (if you don't know that reference, then go back to listening to your chopped and screwed version of 'Gucci Bandana' and stop telling people that you're a rap fan) and get something when there's nothing available to be gotten. But let's be honest; due to the sickness that runs so deep, there's a certain segment of our community that carry on like natural born predators.
There exists some in our community that it really is too late for. The thought of going to school/getting a job/starting a business has never crossed their mind. They truly are satisfied with the crumbs they can snatch off someone else's table; especially when everything that's labelled black culture glorifies such existence: i.e. our music, our movies, our fashion, our false state of mind. And that's just what some of us are doomed to; an existence, and not a living.
'I ain't never ever ran from the Ku Klux Klan/And I shouldn't have to run from a black man' - Kool Moe Dee, Self Destruction
Part 2 (coming real soon)
Jehovah's Witnesses vs. The Thugs Saturday, May 9, 2009
Today I saw the most awesome crime-fighting force ever. I went on my morning runs on foot (even though my Saturday mornings are usually dedicated to Hannah Montana; hater), and after a few blocks I decided to post up and catch my breath for a second (it was less of a 'decision', and more of a 'I'm a rapidly aging smoker that gets winded after a few blocks' type of deal). The only thing moving on the street this morning was myself, the trash that litters the South Side as it blows in the wind, and the Jehovah's Witnesses (you already know how they do). One witness tried to hand me a copy of The Watchtower, but the hidden jewel about walking with headphones on is that you can selectively hear people.Anyway, I decided to dip off the main street and hold it down outside the library before I continued my journey. As I turned the corner, I entered Bizarro World; it was about a quarter to ten in the morning and the thugs were already out in full force. I was under the impression that thugs don't usually get out of bed before 11:45 am... just in time to get cleaned up, watch the noon o'clock news on WGN (to see if the headlines report that the person they shot the night prior was indeed the right target; it usually never is), catch The Maury Show (which also comes on WGN to account for the fact that some thugs aren't even ambitious enough to grab the remote), and open up for business outside the house they grew up in and have never once thought about leaving (except the one time when Big Mama decided enough was enough; but even then, that wasn't their decision). But this was Saturday morning; meaning no news, no Maury, no reason to do anything before 3pm. Yet and still, they were congregated outside of an apartment building roughly nine or so deep. No need for me to panic though, because I dress like I too own an unregistered firearm (and if it really comes down to it, we can all like monkeys round'hea).
Then the most remarkable thing took place. As the Jehovah's Witnesses rounded the same corner I had just bent, I literally heard one of the d-boys (dope peddlers, for my increasing number of Caucasian visitors) say, '... oh shit, here come the witnesses!' Then they immediately took it indoors. Not only did they go inside, but they refused to open the door of the building when the Jehovah's Witnesses came knocking.
Suddenly I had a great idea in my long series of great ideas (though no one supported my Blind Man's Boxing League idea; bastards); they should pair up every cop in the city with a Jehovah's Witness unit (one single Jehovah's Witness isn't enough; their fear is derived in their numbers). Just one blue and white squad car being followed by an old school Cutlass/Impala/Lincoln Continental full of old women Jehovah's Witnesses in big hats (the big hats is also another intimidation tactic they employ). I predict that we can have these streets cleaned up by the end of the summer; well at least cleaned up of crime - I'm sure there will be an influx of discarded Watchtowers littering the ground.
Black Man's Handbook to Dating: Rule BFF - Grown People Don't Make New Friends of the Opposite Sex Friday, May 8, 2009
I have real bad news for most of you... the friends of the opposite sex you have by this point in your life, are all the real friends of the opposite sex you will ever have. Quit lying to yourself. That chick you met at the club during the office's Christmas Eve gathering is not your damn friend. As a matter of fact, if she wasn't so fine, you would have stopped talking to her the moment she started breaking down how her views on politics are based on astrology. If that didn't drive you away, then surely the fact that she talks to her cat should've been the straw to break the camel's back; and by talk, I mean engaging in meaningful discussions and the occasional debate (the shocking part is that according to her, the cat usually wins).So what the hell is it all about? Generally, the new opposite-sex friends you make are just associates of the opposite sex that you haven't engaged in relations with yet (and if you keep giving her the impression that she's your friend, you never will; but that's a different topic altogether). Yes, it's true. If not, then ask yourself why is it that you make it point to describe her to your real friends in terms like fine, gorgeous, pretty, etc. If she was truly your friend, then you would describe her just like you describe all your other friends; 'cool'. This is why your circle of close friends remain pretty consistent, while there's a constant rotation of peripheral opposite-sex friends. You tried to forge a friendship (actually, you tried to forge a friendship with benefits) and when that doesn't work out for whatever reason, you drop them like collateral damage.
Why do people tend to throw around the term friend so eagerly in the first place? Well it makes things a little less messy when these 'friends' slip in and out of your life; otherwise people would have to call it what it is - whoring. Ladies and gentlemen, if you make a new 'friend' every single time you enter and exit a club/bar/sporting event/church/places where whores like yourself are known to congregate/etc., then you are doing little more than whoring yourself out to the highest bidder (and by bidder, I mean those persons willing to overlook the flaws that have kept you single for so long in the first damn place). Which isn't a bad thing, necessarily.
The bad part comes when one of my genuinely platonic lady friends (yea I know; just let it go) introduces me to one of her new male friends. I'm usually about 95% sure she's either: A. screwing him, B. soon to be screwing him, or C. mentally screwing him over by misleading him to think he's going to get to screw her at a later date. This is always an awkward introduction because homie is generally looking at me like, 'I wonder if she's screwing him too?' Then after a maximum of a few months, homie disappears and my platonic friend has nothing good to say about him; which is unfortunate, because I had a good time whooping homie's ass in Madden when they would visit... but alas, we were all led on.
A Word About the Deaths of Chicago Public School Students Thursday, May 7, 2009
The truth is always the last thing we see when looking in the mirror. No one should blame anyone other than the perpetrators of these senseless murders that are taking place among Chicago Public School students. But I have made some disturbing observations about the situation. Shall I continue?In more than one instance, the victim's family/friends are reported as saying that the victim didn't belong in a gang, but hung out with gang members.
Let's evaluate that for a second.
Being a black male who grew up on the South Side, I understand how it is/was nearly impossible to not have friends that have gang affiliations. At the same time; however, I was always cognizant of the fact that there exists an ultra-thin line between knowing gang members and actually being a part of that gang. I could not help that by the age of twelve, the majority of my friends; dudes I had known since first-grade in elementary school, decided to draw lines across the battlefield known as my community and pledge allegiances to one of the many gang sects eager to accept them. They were still my friends and I both acknowledged and loved them as such.
In actuality, two things prevented me from waving flags of warfare in the form of colored bandannas and baseball caps tilted in either direction; the first being that I was plucked out of the neighborhood school and whisked away to various 'gifted' programs (by third or fourth grade, the CPS system had already determined who was on the college track and who wasn't), and the other being simply that pop and mom dukes wasn't having it. Which brings me back to my point. How can so many family members be aware that their loved one has these gang associates and do nothing to intervene until it's too late?
Granted, as a former a hard-headed teenager, I understand exactly how little input parents have when their children leave their presence; but in today's social climate (with the parents in our community being closer in age to their children than ever), there seems to be more acceptance of the fact that even the 'good' kids hang out on the wrong side of the tracks. Back in the day, being in a gang and/or being friends of gang members was something kept out of earshot of individuals over the age of 30; because the last thing a black teen wanted circa pre-1998 was Mama and/or Big Mama coming to snatch his ass off the corner and showing him that all a real gangsta needed was a belt (or an extension cord is she felt you were really challenging her for the O.G. crown), a disrespectful kid, and an enclosed space.
Other quick personal observations.
I'm sick of seeing reporters at the crime scene while residents of the neighborhood pass by in the background smiling and waving to the camera as if the news crew was there for something positive. Ironically, I've even seen people flash their gang signs to the camera. In addition, someone needs to remind these teens that when you're telling the reporter that gangs are a problem in your neighborhood, it might be a good idea to turn your hat straight.
Again, I'm not blaming anyone nor calling out the families/friends of any particular victim; but at some point Black Chicago is going to have to engage in a tough and honest discussion with the other half of Black Chicago before anything changes.
'Unless we shooting, no one notices the youth' - Tupac Shakur, Me Against the World
If I Were An Ex-Offender, Then... Tuesday, May 5, 2009
... I would have the world at my fingertips. Or at least more local resources at my disposal.Going all the way back to the middle of last year, it's been both slim pickings and a rough time to be a freelance writer. I'll bet you can't guess how I attempt to make my living. Freelance writer, you say? Wrong! I'm a porn star... but until that takes off, I've been freelance writing (ok, I'm not really an aspiring porn star). With the need for local writers being virtually null, I've been finding ways of tightening my belt by cutting down on expenses (I'm almost a non-smoker these days). One of the expenses I was almost certain I could find help with was my transportation; because CTA has been digging into my pockets for quite some time. So me being a bit naive, I figured I could hit up some of the 'community employment assistance' (in hindsight, this is a misnomer) programs to a slide a brother some free bus passes as I attempt to be the 'black Carrie Bradshaw' of this mofo (not that I would ever admit to watching that show).
They asked me two questions which I ultimately had the wrong answer to. A. Are you an ex-offender? B. Are you receiving any welfare benefits? The answer to both of these are no (though if a couple of these publishers that owe me money don't soon fork it over, I may become a future ex-offender). Then, without a smile on her face (she may have been smiling; after all, it was a phone conversation), this chick proceeds to tell me that there's nothing she could do for me.
But I'm college educated, worked with various local non-profits, and my resume is pretty impressive... there's nothing you can do for me? She then enlightened me to the fact that because I was so educated, it was actually a liability to receiving assistance. In my warped (and sometimes fragile) little mind, I almost got the feeling that with a nod and wink, she was implying that the best course of action would be for me to go out and immediately do some dirt, and then flag down a
Even she admitted that it was a bit odd (hesitantly so, and only a bit odd) that they weren't able to do a thing for me. The lessons I learned? School is for dummies, and I need to get the hook-up on a package.
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