Jehovah's Witnesses vs. The Thugs Saturday, May 9, 2009

Today I saw the most awesome crime-fighting force ever. I went on my morning runs on foot (even though my Saturday mornings are usually dedicated to Hannah Montana; hater), and after a few blocks I decided to post up and catch my breath for a second (it was less of a 'decision', and more of a 'I'm a rapidly aging smoker that gets winded after a few blocks' type of deal). The only thing moving on the street this morning was myself, the trash that litters the South Side as it blows in the wind, and the Jehovah's Witnesses (you already know how they do). One witness tried to hand me a copy of The Watchtower, but the hidden jewel about walking with headphones on is that you can selectively hear people.

Anyway, I decided to dip off the main street and hold it down outside the library before I continued my journey. As I turned the corner, I entered Bizarro World; it was about a quarter to ten in the morning and the thugs were already out in full force. I was under the impression that thugs don't usually get out of bed before 11:45 am... just in time to get cleaned up, watch the noon o'clock news on WGN (to see if the headlines report that the person they shot the night prior was indeed the right target; it usually never is), catch The Maury Show (which also comes on WGN to account for the fact that some thugs aren't even ambitious enough to grab the remote), and open up for business outside the house they grew up in and have never once thought about leaving (except the one time when Big Mama decided enough was enough; but even then, that wasn't their decision). But this was Saturday morning; meaning no news, no Maury, no reason to do anything before 3pm. Yet and still, they were congregated outside of an apartment building roughly nine or so deep. No need for me to panic though, because I dress like I too own an unregistered firearm (and if it really comes down to it, we can all like monkeys round'hea).

Then the most remarkable thing took place. As the Jehovah's Witnesses rounded the same corner I had just bent, I literally heard one of the d-boys (dope peddlers, for my increasing number of Caucasian visitors) say, '... oh shit, here come the witnesses!' Then they immediately took it indoors. Not only did they go inside, but they refused to open the door of the building when the Jehovah's Witnesses came knocking.

Suddenly I had a great idea in my long series of great ideas (though no one supported my Blind Man's Boxing League idea; bastards); they should pair up every cop in the city with a Jehovah's Witness unit (one single Jehovah's Witness isn't enough; their fear is derived in their numbers). Just one blue and white squad car being followed by an old school Cutlass/Impala/Lincoln Continental full of old women Jehovah's Witnesses in big hats (the big hats is also another intimidation tactic they employ). I predict that we can have these streets cleaned up by the end of the summer; well at least cleaned up of crime - I'm sure there will be an influx of discarded Watchtowers littering the ground.