Things I'm Tired of Hearing About on the News Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Local news stations across the country are having a hard time figuring out why they aren't making as much money as they used to. Here's a hint: people change the channel on reruns; and the news has a tendency to repeat itself daily. Now this could be just a 'me' thing, because in my quest to stay informed I watch a lot of local and national news (some of you jigs change the channel promptly at 5:30pm central; yes, I did have to be a jerk about it).

Media needs a new business model, period. We entered the age of information a long time ago and news (t.v. and print) aren't keeping up... no longer is it acceptable to bombard us with the same garbage several times a day, several days a week. The media (or as Farrakhan would put it, 'The Jews!') can no longer force us to care about things the decision makers think we should care about. They are losing their business to the internet (or as my dad would say, '... the who, what, which it?') but aren't taking note of what the internet is doing right. Sucks to be them (takes a step off my soapbox).

At any rate, I've made a short list of things that have given me nightmares because I can't escape them. I know way more about these people/things than I ever wanted to (or needed to).

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Drew Peterson

Not sure if you've been keeping up with this one, but Drew Peterson is basically going to be tried for murder based on conjecture and hearsay. Now I only found this information useful because it's messed up to have your freedom jeopardized based on hearsay, and his lawyers are challenging the constitutionality of such a thing; as well they should. The irony, however , is not lost on me; as a former cop, Drew Peterson has probably locked away many people for many years based on hearsay. Negroes have been getting locked up on hearsay since the first slave thought it wise to follow the north star; but as soon as it happens to a white dude, all of a sudden it may be unconstitutional. Regardless, they either need to 'Sadaam Hussein' this dude or let him go; I'm sick of hearing about him. Drew Peterson is the white people's O.J. Simpson; except he merc'd two of his wives and we all know Drew did it.

Swine Flu

This was a major disappointment; here I was re-upping on supplies for my underground bunker (and sharpening my wooden stakes in case the people who die from swine flu, don't always stay dead from swine flu), only to find out swine flu (or as Farrakhan would put it, 'God's punishment for being a Jew!') is really not that serious. I mean 35,000 people die annually worldwide from the regular flu (you probably thought I was going to quote that cliched line about AIDS/unprotected sex that's been floating around people's Facebook statuses; some of them even have the nerve to try and pass it off as an original introspective thought), and we're tripping about less than a thousand people dying from the swine flu. Not to mention, most of the people who have died from it have been children in countries where people still die from Polio. Here's a new rule: don't ever try to break me up with my bacon and egg sandwich for such foolishness ever again.

Rod Blagojevich

G-Rod claims to know something that we don't know that will prove his innocense. Believe it or not, I actually ride with Rod Blagojevich on this one. Do your history Illinoisans (is that what we're called?). Governors of this state always get into trouble when they do too much to help the poor/black/underserved constituents. Ex-Governor Ryan was taken out when he decided executing innocent black men was in fact, not what Jesus would do. As a person who worked for non-profits in the city, I know firsthand that Rod Blagojevich did a lot to see that funding was pumped into minority non-profit organizations, and because of that the white voters downstate (read: the Illinois Chapter of the KKK) sought to ruin him. Ok, so he tried to screw over the Tribune and the Cubs; but it's just the Tribune and the Cubs. They've been screwing over the city for years. So he tried to sell a senate seat; big deal! When the Blue Line is crowded and a fine chick gets on, I use my train seat as a valued bargaining chip. If I was Blago, I would have put the vacant senate seat on eBay, and then hired a mole to drive up the bid.

Twitter

This is only new to you if the whole concept of a web browser is new to you. How dare the local news attempt to bring us news about something they were sleeping on? Then they speak on it as if it's something mystical and to be skeptical of. Not to mention, I've heard it mispronounced several times by people that have only one real job in life; to pronounce shit correctly!

Todd Stroger

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: white people have a certain knack for picking the wrong black people to speak for us (I'm looking at you Jesse 'I want to cut off another nigga's nuts, but can't stand when people use the word nigga' Jackson). Todd Stroger is an idiot, and has that voice of the black person in high school none of the other black students spoke to (or as Farrakhan would put it, 'Coming round here sounding like he been rubbing elbows too much with all them damned Jews!'). But I must admit that Stroger has made some valid points as of late. First the county does indeed need that tax hike to keep things running. I was a little sick about the tax increase at first, but I think of it like this; the state has raised taxes on numerous ocassions and Daley raises taxes every time his Viagra doesn't do the trick. But a beady-eyed black dude raises the tax by one penny for every dollar spent, and all of a sudden it's a problem. I ain't playing the race card yet, but you a damn fool if you don't think it's in my hand; I'm just saying.

How Cool President Obama Is

He's a black dude! Is America just figuring out how cool we are? And by black standards, Obama is only somewhat cool (after all, he is a politician; people ignore that for some reason). The real shock is going to be once America finds out how cool he can not be. Again, the man's a politician. I love and support Obama, but I also recognize that there are black aldermen in this city who will side swipe your grandmama on the Dan Ryan at 80 mph just to keep their aldermanic status; imagine what had to be done to become a black president. (I defend Stroger and Blagojevich, yet make snide remarks about Obama; it surprised me too!)

Miss California

It's a sad state of affairs when bimbos are the go to guys for views on social inequalities. I guess Miss California is slightly more intelligent than that one beauty pageant chick who thought giving away free globes would usher in world peace, but still. I guess it was somewhat newsworthy that topless pictures of Miss California floated around the net recently, but she's a white chick. I can see fully naked white chicks on Bang Bros; thoughtfully categorized based upon my particular fetish. So she doesn't believe gay people should be married, who cares? I'd be willing to bet a dime to a dollar that she also doesn't believe that 'i' comes before 'e', except after 'c'. The points and counterpoints of gay marriage should be left to Hannity and Colmes.

Honorable Mentions: American Idol, Bernie Madoff, going green/these non-existent green jobs they speak of

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