I Knew Somebody Would Be Called An Uncle Tom: And Five More Racist Predictions for the Democratic National Convention Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Everyone seemed so shocked when Illinois State Senate President Emil Jones called Democratic delegate Del Marie Cobb an 'Uncle Tom'; but not I. If there is anything that I know as a black dude, it's that you can't put a room full of old black people together and not have the phrase 'Uncle Tom' thrown around fervently and frequently. Stuff like this happens at every family gathering when the rest of the family is struggling, and that one successful uncle with a good engineering job arrives. Though it probably wasn't newsworthy, I'm sure somebody was caught cheating and/or reneging at the spades game later that night.

Also, I should be collecting that Miss Cleo money (who still remembers her?) because I also predicted that there would be some type of foiled assassination plot against Obama; though I thought it would have been carried out by Jesse Jackson running up with the scope attached to a scalpel (does contemplating castrating someone count as a homo erotic fantasy?). Yet and still there is more time left in the convention for more of my predictions to come true, and I'll share them just so I can get my much deserved credit.

1. President Bush will run up in there with his personal rifle, because he heard Osama will be giving a speech.

2. There will be at least one picture to surface on the web of Barack Obama eating a piece of fried chicken, because that's just how the media do.

3. Jesse Jackson will be seen trying to take said piece of fried chicken because he doesn't feel Obama has paid his dues.

4. Del Marie Cobb will finally retaliate to Emil Jones' comment with the appropriate response of 'darkie', and proceed to taunt him with the 'Jiggaboo' song from the movie School Daze.

5. Bill Clinton will make the mistake of referring to Obama as the second black U.S. president, upon which Obama will have no choice but to challenge Clinton to a footwork contest (because he's from Chicago), a freestyle battle (because he's from the South Side of Chicago), and a slap boxing match (because he used to hang out on the West Side of Chicago).

You laugh now, but when one or more of things come to fruition, the world will be happy to pay me $1.99 per minute to guess lucky numbers and shit (as a matter of fact my psychic line will be aptly titled Lucky Numbers n' Shit). I also had the chance to catch Obama's wife's speech last night. And is it me, or did Michelle Obama look as fine as Condoleeza Rice could look if Condoleeza Rice didn't look like her name should be Condoleeza Rice?