A Proposed Law Against Baby Mamas Thursday, August 28, 2008

I've become accustomed to the conditions of public transportation; it's usually crowded, smells like what the slaves must have rode on during their experiences with 'public transportation', and there's that one dude you spy when you first get on the bus and vote him as 'Most Likely to Rob Me If Make the Mistake of Falling Asleep on the Bus'. Also, I've recently developed a higher tolerance for when the bus has to load wheelchair patrons (don't act like I'm the only one who hopes the non-leggers get on the bus before the light changes); but for everything I learn to not hate, it's replaced with things I learn to not love.

So the day started out like any other today; standing on the bus stop at 7am, learning to sleep while standing up until the bus arrives. When the bus did arrive, I felt like this bus was headed to a taping of the Maury Show Paternity Special, because I'll be damned if there weren't like seven skrollas ('strollers' for those who actually attended a high school) taking up all the space. I mean the bus was packed and it wasn't even a lot of people on the bus, just a lot of strollers. So while I'm standing there on the bus (trying to guess which baby that smell is coming from), I came up with a new law that I plan to write my local congressman about (and by 'plan', I mean 'probably never').

New Law: A woman shouldn't be allowed to have a child if neither her nor the child's father has access to a vehicle.

Now for some women this may seem like a law aimed at them; to those women I say how about getting pregnant by a non-shiftless negro every once in while. I mean really, why must the world be inconvenienced because your baby's daddy hasn't seen to it that you and 'Lil Man' not have to stand outside catching buses? And heaven forbid if I slightly brush up against the handle part of the stroller as I make my way to the back of bus, then all of sudden I'm getting cursed out (in whatever version of English their teaching in the GED classes these days). Know your place, baby mama. Know your place.

So why do I catch the bus, instead of driving myself? Because 1. gas is $12 per swig and 2. I'm not the one responsible for raising any of these future felons (who will ultimately get out on parole and start a rap group called 'Future Felons').

Really I blame the bus driver for my situation this morning; at the point when there were two strollers loaded onto the bus, he should have acted like the baby's father and left those chicks on the street by themselves. But as anyone in Chicago knows, trying to talk common sense into these bus drivers is like trying to start a discussion about abstinence at an orgy; nobody's hearing you.

Plus, the proposed new law is flexible. Note that it does not say you have to own a vehicle, it just says you must have access to one. So how about you talk to your baby's father and tell him that in between smoking weed/selling weed/playing Madden (which is the shit)/dodging you, to go acquire you a car. If that doesn't work, you may want to convince some other unfortunate and unsuspecting bastard that he is actually the father of your child. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.